Thursday, May 28, 2009

Second FOVS Mock Draft: Which On Campus Organization Would You Most Like to See Removed?

We finished this mock draft about a month ago but no one has bothered to post it and I’m pretty sure the rest of the writers on this blog are racist against blue people because they are forcing me to do all the work around here. Anyways here it is, probably our longest post ever, “Which on campus organization do you most want to see removed?” Mock Draft:

First Round

First Pick: Augustinian Army (Matsuflex)

With the first pick... Well I was going to pick Fact but then I remembered that he has already been kicked off campus. SO I'm going to go with the Augustinian Army. Not because of the fact the Augustine of Hippo was a pacifist and therefore would not need an army, and not because of the fact that they have no real power in the student section. No I picked this group because of its leader, the egotist Chris Belotti. He uses organizations like this to inflate his ego and to convince himself that he is the greatest Villanovan and that it is his sacred duty to lead all Villanova students in cheering and school spirit but must also keep the cheers respectful. Fuck respectful cheers and fuck Belotti.

Second Pick: Women in Business (BlueMan)

With the second pick, I’m taking "Women in Business". Let's be serious, we all know that there is no place for women in business. Unless this organization is about being hot secretaries who are just there to fuck the shit out of everyone in the office, (which sadly I do not think is the case) then I say get rid of them. Get out of business and go make me a sandwich and bring a Pabst Blue Ribbon with it bitch.

Third Pick: CAT (The Voice)

CAT. Eight Committees. One Team. A clusterfuck of fail. Maybe it's the eight committed serving as too many chefs spoiling the broth. Or it could the fact that people in CAT are usually the biggest tools on campus. Putting all that aside it is easy to see the reason I picked CAT--their total shitting the bed on Novafest. Gym Class Heroes?!? Really? Why move the concert up? Why get a shitty band? Why make it indoors. Do it either Friday night indoors or outdoors on Saturday on west.

Fourth Pick: Blue Key (Fact)

Closing out the first round is never easy; CAT was already taken up, so my decisions are limited a bit. In the end though, I decided to pick Blue Key. Blue Key is probably my least favorite group at Villanova… and when I think of it I don't even think that it's close. Blue Key comprises the douchiest of the douchey Villanova kids. When I decided to take a tour of Villanova before I came, my tour guide was this dumb Indian girl who went into a 5 minute monologue about how you can mail a letter to anywhere from the mail room. Who the fuck needs that shit? Blue Key also represents about 3/4s of the minorities on campus. Isn't Villanova misrepresenting itself whenever they send someone who is not a White, Irish/Italian Catholic from the tri-state area? Instead we get preppy Jews like Chad Sutherland.

Second Round

First Pick: Amnesty International (Fact)

Next on my list is Amnesty International. Now, I do have a grudge against Amnesty because Joseph Betz, the advisor gave me a D- in his class that in any other class would be a C-. Personal feelings about the Villanova Chapter aside, I hate Amnesty international because they seem to love to protest anything that is absolutely awesome and they are a driving force in the homo-commie movement. What kind of group tries to bring an end to the Death Penalty? Capital Punishment is the only thing that is separating us from those pinko commies over in Europe now that we have a leftist president in office. I don't want to be European which is why Amnesty should be eliminated.

Second Pick: Phi Iota Alpha (The Voice)

Phi Iota Alpha… I've never had any beef with this small faux-frat until recently when they were selling Sno-cones at the Oreo -- FOR TWO DOLLARS! I can get that on 125th Street for like 50 cents, if that much. What's next? Are they going to be selling chicklets? Well, I've got news for you phi iota alpha--you're the chicklet not me! Coka-Coka-Caw!

Third Pick: Alpha Delta Pi (BlueMan)

No, "Fat" is not the reason I chose them. "Ugly" is also not why I'm making this pick, instead it has to do with Alpha Delta Pi's philanthropy efforts. I'm not even going to touch on the fact that ADPi teams up with Ronald McDonald House as their charity, (I think that is more than just a coincidence and would be a little bit too easy of a joke to make) instead I chose them because of the Can Tab Challenge that they host. I'm all for philanthropy, but this competition annoys the blue shit out of me. Not only does ADPi collect tabs, but they encourage every Greek member on campus to do so as well. This means one night when I'm getting my drink on, some bitch is going around my room stealing everyone's tabs. First of all bitch if you take my tab before I'm done drinking my PBR I'm going to hate-fuck you because you have officially ruined my drinking experience. Second of all I like to throw away all of my cans with the tabs still attached, that way they take up more room in the landfill, because bitch you better believe I don't recycle.

Fourth Pick: Academic Competition Club (Matsuflex)

With the last pick I destroy the Academic Competition Club. Why? Because what the fuck does a club like that do? Either it has people competing against each other for GPA, which is what we all pretty much do anyway. Or, it sets up academic competitions which are sooooooo fucking useless and gay. Either way this is a stupid fucking club and it must be destroyed

Third Round

First Pick: Student Association for Villanovan International Awareness (Matsuflex)

I pick the Student Association for Villanovan International Awareness. Fuck being internationally aware, all people should care about is being American; everyone else can go fuck themselves because they suck

Second Pick: Villanova Twirlers (BlueMan)

I have to go with the Villanova Twirlers here in the third round. They could have easily been a second round pick here because let’s face it they are terrible.
When you're entire job is to throw a baton and catch it then you better fucking catch it. You know its bad when they finish a routine and everyone in the crowd is surprised that they didn't drop it, "Wow they actually did the routine they were supposed to do and didn't fuck the entire thing up this time, impressive."
If every time the cheerleaders went out there and did flips, one of them messed up and broke her neck don't you think we'd probably get rid of cheerleaders? Twirlers should be held to the same standard, if you can't do what your supposed to do then get the fuck out of here.
Also, the twirlers are out in front of these crowds representing Villanova. They are making us look like a bunch of pansies who can't catch, not to mention the fact that they are busted. Villanova has some pretty hot girls, but instead we trot out these ugly bitches who are trained to suck at their job. Change up the uniform, get rid of the skin tone nylon, put some hot girls out there show some real skin and they can drop whatever they want, as long as they bend over and pick it up again.

Third Pick: Writing Center (The Voice)

Fucking writing center is a nuisance that is forced upon many a student taking a writing enriched course and every freshman in ACS. I hate having to make an appointment to see students who are no better writers than I am who provide criticism sans constructivity (not a word--I probably should keep them around actually...) and are an obligatory pit stop on the road to getting a lower grade on a paper I would've done better on but for making an appointment with them. To make matters worse, I had to sit in on a writing workshop they sporadically hold for extra credit on the paper they aided in making worse. It was on the use of the semicolon. I never cared for semicolon which provides the illusion of versatility but is really a grammatical mirage that usually suckers a wannabe pretentious write such as myself into a debilitating run on sentences. Wanna know the most versatile punctuation mark? Whatever you want it to be as long as you know how to do the find and replace trick with increased font. That being said, which font is better for making my final paper in Discrimination Law barely able to meet the 6 page requirement: the old fashioned Times New Roman 12 or the new-aged Calibri 11? Let me know. All in all, I am in Old Falvey now cramming for a final I have no understanding of (Human and Hereditary Affairs--wtf!?!) because the real campus library I've never had a desire to enter before today is packed with 4.0 faggots and am venting my frustration of imminent failure on the office I am staring at. Maybe all of this hatred is misplaced; maybe it is Gregory Hoskins my first ACS teacher who is deserving of this hatred. Rachel Baard is cool though. Just ask Fact.

Fourth and Final Pick: Fiji (Fact)

Once Again, I am Tasked with pick the "Mr. Irrelevant" of Villanova student organizations. Therefore I would like to eliminate Fiji. Yes, Fiji may throw alright parties (that they charge up the ass for) But friends, we're forgetting that in the last month, their pledges have taken a huge dump on Villanova's already shaky reputation of being snobby pricks. It would also cut down on sexual assaults on campus involving Rohypnol and GHB. To eliminate the douchebaggery, you must cut it off from the source.

So there you have it, our second Mock Draft, if you have any organizations you think we missed, let us know in the comments.