Monday, April 26, 2010

Open Letter to Incoming Players: Abstinence is Better than Herpes

Dear Villanova signees,
Due to a scare this past season in which one of our players came down with a sexually transmitted disease I would like to beg you to please do as a priest would and take a vow of chastity.  As a Catholic institution, Villanova cannot advocate the use of alternative means of disease prevention which is why it is a priority to do so.  Forget all you have learned about honesty because chastity is truly the best policy as it protects you from all sorts of things you're scared to show the doctor.  I know the loose white women are hard to resist, but they are just going to give you the clap or intentionally get knocked up with hope that you'll one day sign a big pro contract somewhere.  Travis Henry, Sean Kemp and Antonio Cromartie would love to give you reasons why you don't want to be paying child support until you're at least 30.  If you need to be convinced further about why chastity rocks, here's Philip Rivers' endorsement of chastity (it sort of reminds me of the Tom Cruise Scientology video.)  Back to the topic at hand.. the only way to protect yourself is by refraining from temptation.  If you really have to let off some steam, just rub yourself raw like a college kid without ridiculous athletic talent would do.  I hope for the best in all your athletic endeavors, but remember that the only way to have power is to show your purity ring to those jersey chasers who are so eager to pad their egos. 

Sincerely,
Fact

2 comments: