Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Walking Wounded: A Lesson in Injury Management

Villanova players are going down as if James Woods is the team Doctor

As Villanova alum Brian Westbrook could tell you, injuries are a part of football.  Perhaps the most important ingredient to a successful season is luck on the injury front, and that was especially clear during Villanova's national championship season in 2009The 2010 season, which is still in it's infancy has been a completely different story, as several starters  (including Szczur Christ himself) have been bitten by the injury bug.   Because of this rash of injuries, I would like to use my influence as the proprietor of a third tier college sports blog (and my total lack of relevant medical knowledge) to suggest the best course of action to prevent further injury.  
  1. Vicodin is your friend- If you feel like crap but still want to play, there is no better way to achieve your goal than to adhere to the Brett Favre method of pain management: a heavy dose of highly addictive pharmaceuticals.  We need you to be able to run through a brick wall without so much as feeling anything.  Don't worry about getting the shakes or other associated side effects.. those are for the offseason (or whenever you decide to quit football.)   
  2. Concussion? No Problem- All of this noise about concussions in recent years doesn't apply to you.  If get up off the turf and suddenly have no idea what your name is, don't worry, all of that information will come back to you in due time.  If you have a concussion, alll you have to remember is who you're supposed to block, so that Paul Walker doesn't get hurt because James Van Der Beek sucks at quarterback.
  3. Never listen to a doctor from Midland- He obviously does not have your best interests at heart, because he only cares about his own greedy (and possibly Jewish) self.  
  4. Football is more important than your ability to walk- If a doctor tells you that you have the choice of football and being paralyzed from the waist down, choose football.  If you choose anything else, you're a disgrace to your teammates and the glorious game that others who are less fortunate than you would kill to get the opportunity to play just one snap.
Special thanks to the New York Mets medical staff for the injury advice.

2 comments:

  1. Oh Boobie Miles, you career was truly cut short by racist, jealous doctors from Midland who didn't want to see you play

    ReplyDelete
  2. sounds like u know the V route. Dont be injured, just play hurt.Dont ask to see the dr. the trainer will fix it.There is a gimpy life after football.

    ReplyDelete