Sunday, December 27, 2015

MAKE PENN BASKETBALL GREAT AGAIN



As you may have noticed, Fact on Villanova Sports Theater has gone dark over the last 15 months due to the editor growing tired of mailing it in. Sometimes though, an opportunity is just too good to pass up. So, in anticipation of the Villanova-Penn basketball game, real estate mogul, reality television superstar, current republican presidential candidate, and University of Pennsylvania alumnus (class of 1968) Donald Trump offered his services to our blog, so we decided to come out of retirement for this most unique of occasions.

I'm a smart guy. I graduated from the best business school in the world, the Wharton School of Finance. I built a phenomenal company, made many billions of dollars in the real estate market, built a brand so valuable that companies literally pay me to put my name on their buildings that I didn't even invest in, became a best selling author and reality television juggernaut, and now, I'm currently leading all of the polls for the Republican presidential nomination. I know a lot about winning. I win all the time. I learned a lot about winning from my father Fred Trump, but also from my time at Penn.

You know who doesn't win? The Pennsylvania Quakers men's basketball team. They have become a laughing stock in the Ivy League and the Big Five. When I was at school, we took great pride in the indomitable spirit of the Quaker basketball team as they pounded local schools for mostly homeless tramps like Temple, LaSalle, and St. Joseph's (PA). The only team that would give them a fair fight was Villanova. Now, they lose all the time. In fact, they haven't won an NCAA Tournament game since that wimpy loser Jimmy Carter was president.

We need to MAKE PENN BASKETBALL GREAT AGAIN and I, Donald J. Trump am just the man for the job.

Here's my plan to MAKE PENN BASKETBALL GREAT AGAIN:

  1. Build a wall- Has anyone seen our defense lately? You cannot be a basketball team if you do not play defense, and my plan is to make Penn the greatest defensive force that has ever been seen, and to do this, I plan on building a wall to prevent the ball from crossing half court. If any opposing player makes it to our side of the court, he will be immediately deported.
  2. Hire a great leader- Recently, all of our coaches have been terrible leaders. I am a great leader, but I don't think that I will have enough time to coach Penn basketball from the Oval Office. Let's run through the recent coaches: Fran Dunphy? He had a stupid mustache and was a big fan of giving amnesty to reprobates and accepting Muslim refugees onto campus without properly vetting them. Plus, he went to LaSalle. Glenn Miller? A really low energy guy. Jerome Allen? Like Obama, I had great hope for Jerome, but he was a massive disappointment and sunk our program into greater irrelevance. Steve Donahue is a nice guy, but he failed at Boston College and he'll fail here. My suggestion for the next Penn basketball coach? My daughter, Ivanka Trump. She went to Penn, plus she's very hot. If she wasn't my daughter, she'd be my type
  3. Bulldoze and replace the Palestra- The Palestra is a terrible building. It's ugly, it's dirty, the acoustics are atrocious, the bathrooms and concessions are terrible, and the seats make your ass hurt for a week. We need to replace the Palestra with the TRUMP PALESTRA. While named in honor of the old building TRUMP PALESTRA will be 50 stories tall with a gold plated lobby and the name TRUMP in bold letters across the front of the building. It will be very elegant, very classy. I build phenomenal buildings. On top of all that, I'll make Princeton pay for it. 
We just need to start winning again. When was the last time Penn won at anything? I'm a winner. I win all the time. Under my leadership, we will MAKE PENN BASKETBALL GREAT AGAIN